For many partners, finding out about their spouse’s use of pornography or other sexual behaviors turns their world upside down. Everything they thought was true about their relationship is called into question. They ache from pain, yet the person they would usually turn to for comfort is the person who has caused the pain. The experiences causes intense trauma for most partners and they often experience symptoms of PTSD. The can include intrusive thoughts, avoiding activities or other reminders of the trauma event, hypervigilance, panic, difficulty sleeping/eating, difficulty concentrating, and others. Many partners describe feeling crazy or paralyzed. Intense shame is also a common reaction as partners blame themselves for not being “good enough”, causing their spouse to develop an addiction.

Geoff Steurer, a marriage and family therapist specializing in sexual addiction, describes the partner’s need to seek “emotional first aid”, to stabilize them and prepare them the work that will be needed for long-term health. He suggests these steps include:

1) Physical self-care including adequate sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, meditating, and slowing down.

2) Spiritual grounding to provide feelings of peace, hope, and reassurance in the fact of uncertainty.

3) Emotional expression if forms such as journal writing and talking with supportive people.

4) Connecting to others and finding a few key individuals they can trust to keep confidences, listen without judging, and offer support. These can include ecclesiastical leaders, therapists, parents, siblings, 12-step support groups, therapy groups, and close friends.

5) Simplifying life by cutting out extra commitments to allow time for things that will bring the greatest peace, comfort and healing.

6) Education about sexual addiction to help them understand the scope of the problem, validate common feelings and clear up misconceptions.