In 2008, Hollywood actor David Duchovny, former “ X-Files” TV series star, made headline news as he voluntarily entered treatment for sexual addiction. Alleged reports claim that Mr. Duchovony, married with two children and a holds a master’s degree from Princeton, did not seek treatment because of an extramarital affair, but because he had a longstanding addiction to Internet pornography. Click here for link. Mr. Duchovny’s issue supports statistics from the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health statistics, which conservatively estimates 3% – 5% of the U.S. population suffers from sexual compulsion disorders. The estimate is considered low because it is based on those seeking treatment for sexual addiction. Many of those afflicted avoid exposure and cannot be easily tracked.
Sexual addiction is prevalent in our society whether you’re married, educated or single. In fact, current statistics show that 70% of 18 to 24 year old men visit pornographic sites in a typical month. Today’s single adults have been exposed to more pornography, and research is showing that they’ve become more accepting of it. (First-person: the culture of pornography, R. Albert Mohler, Jr., Baptist Press, 28 December 2005.) As the median age for men to marry hovers at 28 years old, it is apparent that single adult men struggle with Internet pornography. Chronic viewing of pornography distorts healthy intimacy and causes many men and teenagers to develop a complex set of faulty beliefs. There are distortions surrounding four areas: self-image, relationships, needs, and sexuality.
Self -Image: How do I see myself? Most addicts see themselves as bad and unworthy—unhealthy shame. Acting out in sexually destructive ways and not being able to stop or control these actions confirms this faulty belief. Addicts can spend a tremendous amount of time living with the debilitating fear that they will be found out. These things contribute to an unhealthy image of themselves.
Relationships: Most addicts feel unlovable. They believe that no one could ever love them as they really are so they must hide their true self. Some single men develop distorted thoughts such as, “these lustful thoughts are normal. Once I get married these sexual urges will be satisfied and go away.” In working with men over the years, I have tried to help them understand that this is false assumption. Having an intimate relationship in marriage does not cause a sexual addiction to instantly stop or fade away. Many men in addiction have reported that addiction returns within weeks or months after they were married–see Featured Video my Dr. Liz Hale, LMFT.
Needs: As a general rule, addicts find it hard to trust and feel that they can’t depend on any one person or source. Sexual addicts commonly feel that they can cure themselves and that they don’t need a therapist, 12-step program, group therapy or religious support. They believe that through their own willpower, they can manage and control their sexual addition.
Sexuality: For many adults, life becomes unmanageable when their addiction becomes more important than anything else. Addicts often confuse sex for intimacy and feel desperate to have it. In their eyes, life without sex seems impossible or terrifying. But there are tools and education to help them understand healthy sexuality more fully.
There is hope for single adult men to embrace recovery and shed faulty core beliefs.
Recovery from sexual addiction isn’t an event. It’s a process of making regular course corrections and learning how to live a more congruent life free from denial, blame, distorted thinking, unbridled lust and shame. True recovery involves the heart and mind and is a process that many will be working on for the rest of their lives.
by Brent Cichoski, LPC